If you are old enough to remember this guy, I'm hoping you don't need the following tips. If you do, then God love you and keep you safe when you board the short bus in the morning.
I am so sick of the way people treat public restrooms. Especially students at the university where I work who are SUPPOSED to be young adults with some sense. I'm not original or alone in this, but it has been really pissing me off lately, so here goes:
Ladies, your ass is not a delicate, germ-free flower. Sit it ON the seat and quit hovering and spraying all over the place. You are less likely to catch a disease from the toliet seat than you are from a leper in some shanty town in a third-world country. (Unless you're going to hang in a shanty town in a third world country, you're pretty safe, I think. If you are going to do that, wear a surgical mask and some adult diapers.) Your piss all over the toliet seat is just what I need when I'm full up and in a hurry. It is NOT my job to clean up after your nasty bitches. Either sit or wipe up when you're done.
Next, public restroom means public restroom. It doesn't mean you and your friends need to grab all the sink space so you can apply your seven layers of cosmetics before you run to class each morning. Scoot over and let me wash my hands, please. And don't roll your frigging eyes at me, little girl. I eat little girls like you for breakfast. You are stringy from the bulimia and greasy from the hair products and makeup, but I'm a fat, hungry bitch so watch out. (Extension of this thought....if you spill makeup on the counter or in the sink CLEAN IT UP. The staff here is not your maid service. They shouldn't have to clean half a bottle of foundation out of the sink everyday).
Third: SHUT YOUR DAMN PHONE OFF. For several reasons, sweetie. First, I don't want to hear that Darlene thought she might be pregnant but it was just a false alarm. Darlene probably doesn't want everyone in the john hearing that either. You need to shut the fuck up so my shy bladder has time to do it's thing. Second, Aunt Sally doesn't need to hear 10 toliets flushing to know that you think she's boring and only worth talking to while you take a dump. Believe me, if I hear you talking on the phone in the stall, I will flush every toliet in the place just to piss you off. It's rude, it's classless and it shows that you have no upbringing. Unless your innards are falling out of your ass or vagina, you don't need to make a phone call just then. I promise.
Fourth: The restroom is not a lunch room. When I hear you open your soda or your bag of chips while you are sitting on the crapper, I want to climb over the stall and flush your head a few times. Are you serious? You can't wait two minutes (and after you wash your hands) to have that snack? You, madam, are probably beyond redemption and should just take to shitting in a trench for the rest of your life.
Lastly, if you make a mess CLEAN IT UP. Whether it is the sink, the toliet or the floor, if you make a mess it is YOUR responsibility to clean it up. If you flush a tampon or your first bowel movement in 3 weeks, make sure the toliet is FLUSHED before you leave the stall. Throw your wrappers and your paper towels in the trash can, not on the floor. Your Mom may allow you to be a pig at home, your husband may not mind the four months of mold you allowed to creep up the walls in your apartment, but those of us who use the same public restroom as you would rather you didn't leave your frigging mess for us to find.
If you are reading the above tips and saying to yourself "Who does these things?", I invite you to visit any university and to to the ladies room in any building on any floor. These people are not ladies in any real sense of the word. It's time we older broads educate the delicate young flowers of today. Or bring back the Ty-D-Bowl man.
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